ALL HAIL THE PRINCE OF POON.

How to open a conversation with a woman:

1) Don't overthink it with hours of bogus "techniques" you learned from the internet that make dating sound like solving the fucking Puzzle Box from Hellraiser.

2) Just go up and do it FFS.

The Christian Mystery. He mastered the art of picking up women but he doesn't believe in pre-marital sex so he just wastes his time and money.

Church, a relaxed social environment? The Christians I know are a mix of lonely lifetime virgins and people who got married at 18 to the first person they wanted to have sex with.

Here's a fourth opener: "I'm waiting until I get married. It's like OCD, but with sex. That said, I am looking for someone to get to third base with. Can I be your Wade Boggs?"

Step 1 - Don't have a face that looks like you ate crab when you're allergic to shellfish. So, right out of the gate, I'm fucked.

This is brilliant marketing. Bizzaro-Ira Glass is just shoe-horning the words "Christian" and "Church" into a standard PUA lesson. It's like how the Wayne's World video game was just a mario brothers rip off with the words "PARTY ON!" and "WAY!" written on blocks in the background.

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Ugly, depressed, repressed, hypocritical, highly judgmental, mean spirited Christian chicks LOVE this shit.

I gotta try some of these on the ladies the next time I go see the children at St. Francis' performing the Stations of the Cross.

Is it really that hard to pick xtian girls? I was thinking all you had to do was go and say "hey, you love jesus? I love him too! Woah, we have so much in common"

*points to cross*

aaaand poof! It's gone!

I hope someone downloaded this.

He has risen!

(point to schlong)