"Being a big guy certainly has its advantages..."

Seconding this as a suggestion for the tag.

This was a suggestion for the tag, right?

You mean sleep apnea isn't an advantage?

Get A Grip! The perfect tool for pulling your ass cheeks apart!

These are for mouser's comment almost making me shoot blueberry juice out of my nose

Yeah, this needs rag on a stick tag.

Thirding "rag on a stick."

Hey! That would activate another tag!

Done.

I am NOT clicking that tag, I am NO... *click*

Goddammit.

I am kind of shocked that there aren't more videos for that tag already.

Thank you so much for linking my tag so that two equally horrifying abominations of videos can be linked.

Yeah this is one of the best entries this year.

I vote for "three seashells tag"

Honestly, what would you consider a more difficult acting task: winning an Oscar, or selling Ass-Wiper 3000 with a straight face?

I take it you've never been to the monkey house at the zoo.

How is toilet paper "archaic?" Bio-degradable paper product that allows for a system of effective fecal waste maintenance throughout the civilized world?

Toilet paper is what separates us from the chimpanzees, dammit.

"First major improvement" my ass (that I wiped myself)
Need I remind them of two-ply?

In all seriousness, on my first trip to Southeast Asia, I was horrified to find that the septic system in many areas cannot handle toilet paper, so a hose is attached to every toilet in order to wash your ass immediately after shitting. It took some getting used to, but I quickly realized this was a far superior system.

Of course then there's Indians who simply wipe their ass with the hand they don't eat with. Now there's innovation!

Babelfish translation: "I barrel nevertheless not my ass ann."

LOL it's funny because it's true.

"I don't touch my ass"

extra n on an

This is right up there with "this sentence is false" as one of the great riddles of man. Stars, sir, stars.

I originally thought, upon seeing the woman using the shower brush, that it was also to double as a shower brush, and the above possibility deeply disturbed me.

I agree, I was very displeased with the cut from ass-wiping stick to body-scrubbing stick.

Also, 0:09 makes my underside cringe.

If you use this regularly I think it's inevitable that one day you'll accidentally use it as a dildo.

Also I'd be scared that little grabby claw in the middle that grabs and holds the toilet paper would accidentally cut me or end up grabbing me where I don't want it to.

Wait, what? Just when I thought I had women figured out.

Does this accidental dildo use of household items happen to women a lot?

Breath deep next to a really fat guy some time if you don't think this problem exists.

Oh fuck, that explains the horrid odor emanating from the guy I walked by in the grocery store the other day. Thanks for the mental image.

If somebody is that gross, I don't think that putting the toilet paper on a stick is going to help very much.

People stopped shitting their pants.

I'm looking forward to the "Slap Wipe". Toilet time is no longer boring. Watch this.. slap once.. large chunks gone. Slap twice.. you can eat off it.

I'm not looking forward to the "Slap Wipe" Team Fortress 2 "mashup" with the Scout that every neckbeard will auto five.

now having read the comments above I would gladly offer up another 5 stars if I could

The above has become one of my favorite comments here ever.

My wikipedia edit of Aqueduct only lasted an hour.