Oh, God! Please don't let the darkness eat my children, Creepy Black Man! Here's some money! Is Parcheesi one of the evil games? I bet it is!

"Have I gotten your attention yet?"
"No."
"Good."
"What? But I said-"
"You need to order this."
"..."

Arial italic font, mullets, hysteria, poignant images, Dolemite, why should I be concerned with darkness, and he killed them, power packed video, I'm not trying to scare you.

Anyone else notice He-Man on the tv? What is it with the evangelicals and this irrational fear of He-Man?

Well, I found out one satanist secret from this commercial: they wear special underwear, like THE MORMONS (DUN Dun dunn).

So much to love here.
"Maybe we should ask his parents....but that's IMPOSSIBLE"

I sure will send my "gift" of 35 bucks.

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Where's my credit card?

"Now I'm not trying to scare you."

Yes, you are. You really are.

"Just warn you. Before the Darkness... touches your home."

So buy this video. No! Buy six!

Seriously, I'd love to read a review of this video and see what the ten signs of satanism are. I'm betting half of them are normal teenage behavior.

Your son refuses to say where he's going out to tonight? Must be out to a Black Mass to murder a baby.

The google ad that pops up is for "Satanic jewelry". WHAT A COUNTRY!

Huh? What? Wait, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. His voice and that candlelight were just so soothing!

Is the idea of darkness being bad from a primordial recognition engrained in our genetics or from primordial racism engrained in our genetics? Either way, kinda ironic they've got a black guy talking about how bad it is.

Just for a little flashback into the 80s, Sean Sellers was a misanthropic psychopath who decided to kill people for fun and eventually he was caught. The Satan worshipping, D&D playing defense was cooked up by his attorneys in the hopes of getting him some form of mental incompetency defense, but there was absolutely no evidence whatsoever that Sellers had anything to do at all with the occult or Satanism before the trial started, so it was a weak defense, jury didn't buy it, and sentenced him to death. In an attempt to get out of the death penalty, he brought back up the satan worship thing and a sudden in-prison conversion to Christianity as grounds for appeal after appeal. His whole schtick to save his life became "DON'T KILL ME I'm CHRISTIAN NOW"
Just like Ted Bundy kind of did, he tried to drag out his sentence with ridiculous claims about what TV shows and shit made him worship the devil and all that garbage. He's dead now.

Quit messing around with that camera and get back to the warehouse, Daryl.

That Jheri-Curl is a direct product of Satanic Influences.

I can't tell if this is genuinely a video for concerned Christian parents, or actually a how-to guide to murder and the occult, with protips from a real-life parent killer/D&D fan.