Jake/Gunther 2012!

Now we cut to Karl Rove desperately trying to convince people that the Ice King still has a chance.

Marceline is the only reporter I trust to tell me who to vote for.

Hint: It won't be you, Princess.

Living in the Deep South is scary and interesting. Last night, after Obama won, half the people on my Facebook list were excited and the other half were posting about stockpiling food, Armageddon coming, and praying to Jesus to deliver us.

One small thread had a few desperate reds claiming that the media called the election too early because the votes were still being counted in Ohio - this was, of course, long after 11 PM ET, when Obama had already cornholed Romney with his big blue California dildo. One denizen suggested that because of Ohio, Romney could still win, and that it could be like "FDR, who woke up in the morning and found out he was actually President."