Surely there are some underemployed David Attenborough impersonators the Onion could have tapped.

Zebras are, in truth, pretty bad-ass. Plenty of nature documentaries have footage of zebras crippling and/or killing lions, hyenas, wild dogs and even crocodiles. Their hooves can shatter bones and they have a vicious bite.

Gazelles, on the other hand, are the popcorn chicken of the veldt.

Zebras are mean, I saw one kick a donkey's ass at a petting zoo because I fed the wrong one first.

The last line was pretty good.

Zebra wait on the pantry shelf that is the African plain

I love that the Onion is making such a variety of good new material and not just the faux news.

Five for the hippos' zebra buffet pool party.

I like the "confusing to Americans" pronunciation joke. Zed for zebra.